


All the Best People Are Crazy

by Death_Herself



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Alice in Wonderland Fusion, Crime Fighting, Crossover, Down the Rabbit Hole - Freeform, Dream World, Just Wanted to Writes Wade as Mad Hatter, M/M, Marvel Universe, That's the Only Reason I'm Writing This, What Have I Done, maybe smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-17 18:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10599480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death_Herself/pseuds/Death_Herself
Summary: An intense battle with Doc Oc forces Spider-Man to fall down, down, down a rabbit hole.A curious tale of 'Peter's Adventures in Wonderland'.





	1. EAT ME, DRINK ME

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mix of the movies and the books of Alice's Adventures.

An octad of metallic extendable arms raced towards his body while the fatherly voice of Tony Stark screamed through his earpiece, and in that moment Peter Parker knew this wouldn’t end well. His trusted spider sense was off the charts with warning alarms, even though they and his body knew there was no way out of this. The inevitable attack of Doc Oc was certainly not at the top of his list of “Friday Night Fun”.

Red and black blurred next to the metallic arms and yet another voice was screaming at him.

“Spidey!”

Pain and falling.

Falling and pain.

Then just falling.

Falling and falling.

And falling.

Falling for what seemed like eternity.

Peter opened his eyes in the midst of falling to look for the ground that should have hit his back already.

But there was no ground. There was no ceiling. There _were_ walls. His body was plummeting down a bottomless tunnel of earth. The wind whizzing past his ears and hair was cold as he cut through it.

He turned his body to look towards the ground, or was it the ceiling? You don’t fall towards a ceiling though. Because science and gravity. Right?

He was falling towards a ceiling. As he tried to “nope” the idea, the length of the front of his body slammed into it. A long groan escaped him.

God, did the beautiful ridged design hurt.

It hurt, and it didn’t hurt. Peter opened his eyes to look at its golden glory but an overwhelming bout of vertigo gushed through him.

Super powers be damned. He couldn’t stick to the ceiling quickly enough before he was falling backwards. Again. Into the tunnel. Except there was no tunnel. Not anymore. Just a stunning and highly polished checkered floor that took his breath away. Literally.

The gold ceiling glittered above him while he struggled to take that first breath after having the wind knocked out of him. It came and went just as fluidly as the pain. At least one super power was working with him, good ol' healing factor.

As he stood up to take in the room he noticed that much like the ceiling and floor, this place was as ritzy as it gets. Heavy fleur-de-lis patterned curtains drawn back with golden ropes to reveal a…wall? Shaking his head to look past that and figure out exactly where he was.

Several steps into the room he finally placed why it was so eerie. There were no doors. Just a small bare glass table and ornate miniature gold doors lining the floorboards.

His finger tips touched the glass of the table as he continued looking around. Surely there was a way out of here.

 

**POP!**

 

His head jerked instinctively towards the minute popping sound coming from the table. Where it _was_  once bare now stood a vial. Peter quickly looked around the room to see where it had come from. It wasn’t there before. He was sure of it.

Hesitantly wrapping his fingers around it and lifting it to see a small tag was attached to its slender neck that he turned over to read.  _DRINK ME_

He nervously laughed and looked around again. “Wade??”

This whole situation reeked of Deadpool. Much like that time they travelled to some weird dimension and shared a glass of what he assured Peter was ' _as safe as you want it to be_.' It wasn’t. That was the most intoxicated Peter had ever been.

“Wade! What the hell is going on?”

No response was making this eerily surreal.

Peter looked at the vial again while weighing his options. Wade wouldn’t kill him, right? But what if this wasn’t Wade’s idiotic idea of fun.

He really didn’t _have_ any other options so he did as the tag said, removing the cork and taking one gulp.

Nothing felt different; it didn’t even have a taste. “What was the point of-“

As usual he spoke too soon. The difference was rapid. His body sinking into itself, pulling and shifting towards the ground. He was…small! Not skinny, not short, SMALL!

As much as being the size of a true spider should excite him, he was naked. That didn’t excite him one bit. And having to climb out of the heap of spandex surrounding him certainly didn’t excite him.

“WADE!!”

 

**POP!**

 

“Damnit! Wade, stop!”

His head still curiously jerked towards the sound as he protested. This pop revealed a square devil’s chocolatey treat with stiff frosting and red lettering scrolled across the top of it. _EAT ME_

“I’m going to throttle Wade.”

Peter muttered to himself as he picked the cake up from its paper sleeve. This is a stupid game, and he’s absolutely done with it. He angrily takes a bite before processing the possibilities. If the vial made him shrink down into a baby spider, wouldn’t that mean this would make him grow into a monster spider.

“Sh-“

His expletive was cut short by the smooth cocoa sliding down his throat and his body uncomfortably shifting again. One thing he would take away from this experience was a newfound sympathy for Bruce Banner.

He grew.

And grew.

And grew some more.

Peter closed his eyes because he knew it was coming before it actually did. The striking ornate golden ceiling was more beautiful than any he had ever seen and all it did was hurt him. The crown of his head slammed into the crests.

The growing didn’t stop until he was big enough to be nearly folded in half, his shoulder blades pressed against the ceiling. Hazel eyes glued themselves to the checkered floor in an unsuccessful attempt to will away anxiety tears.

One of the things no one knew about Spider-Man was just how emotionally fueled he is. Character flaw at its finest.

Crocodile tears don’t compare to the tears spilling from tinged cheeks and splattering the checkered floor in loud wet splashes.  Loud enough to drown yet another pop in the room.

Splash after splash forming puddles that merged together with more and more splashes.

 

“Spidey.” A stern accent riddled voice erupted into the room.

Peter shifted his head to look at the voice. _Natasha_. Except, she didn’t look entirely herself. Large perked rabbit ears and a proper gentleman suit with ruffles and trinkets certainly looked foreign on the Russian spy.

“Nat…Nat what’s happening?” The tears continued to current like rivers onto the floor that nearly resembled an ocean itself.  

“Are you really Spidey?”

The name sounded weird falling from her lips. He couldn’t place why but he was desperate to get out of here. “Of course I am! Who else would I be?”

She considered him before pulling something out of her pocket briefly, and replacing it again all in a swift movement. Her hands clapped together.

“He will be so pleased. His Spidey has made it. I’ll tell them you’ve arrived. Here.”

A razor sharp fan buries into his forearm. He hisses and pulls it out of his flesh to look it over. He opens it and sees clothes for someone much smaller. He turns to look at her again, but she’s vanished.

“Nat!!”

More tears flowed and he cursed this horrible game everyone else seemed to be in on. The fan clenched tightly in his hand as he pressed his palms to his eyes, busying himself to stop the tears.

Busy, busy. Busy with so many tears. Too many tears. Too many-

A mouthful of tears forced themselves into his throat. He sputtered and opened his eyes, realizing he was up to his neck in salt water. The room was filled to the mid wall molding with all of his tears.  

Eyes darting up to the ceiling to see it was far away from him yet again.

 

“Can spiders swim?”

Peter cautiously looked towards the singsong voice, seeing a big eyed woman adorned in all blue smiling at him from a floating raft. He ignored the question tugging at his thoughts. He didn’t need to know how she had a raft in a ritzy room, that wasn’t important.

“Not usually. I’m not actually a spider.”

“You’re not Spidey?” She sat up in alarm.

Peter groaned and waded -he’s going to kill Wade- towards the woman. Her large mouse ears twitched as strands of her cobalt blue hair touched them. Climbing on the raft wasn’t exactly easy, but he finally managed after a _l_ _ot_ of effort.

The blue woman just sat on her knees and watched him, her tail flicking behind her while she watched his chest heave. It was instinctual, his jolting reaction at her grabbing at what was in his hands. Only then remembering the fan and clothes.

She wrung them out and handed them back to him, speaking while he nervously dressed himself.

“I don’t think you’re Spidey. Merc wouldn’t be this excited and worried over someone so…”

As she trailed off Peter tilted his head. “So..?”

“Boring.” Her conclusion was righteous in her mind. It was obvious by how she folded her arms and tilted her nose up.

All he could think to do was nod slowly and look around. He needed a way out of here, wherever here was. Even if the peaks of this ocean of tears were beautiful, much like this room, he couldn’t waste time _enjoying_ this bizarre game. He needed to get home.

Parker Luck stepped in.

Roaring gushes filled his ears. The mouse lady seemed just as shocked. Her hands quickly wrapping around the ropes of the raft as the water burst to life with movement towards a now open door on the wall. “Hold on Not Spidey!”

 

-

 

“I agree with Domie No.”

“No, it’s Spidey.”

“He’s too young, too boring.”

“Hawkie, you can’t speak so harshly about a friend.”

“He’s your friend, Devil.” 

"Filthy."

“Can we eat him?”

“FOGGY!”

Peter opened his eyes at the unison yell coming from somewhere above him.

“You scared us, Spidey.”

Hazel eyes moved across the five people standing on a shore surrounded by the dreary sky and sea. The one currently talking to him was the most comforting thing he’s seen since falling. Even if he and the others were covered in _feathers_. He stopped questioning things. There was no point.

“Ma- Double Dee” He smiled towards the man who continued smiling back.

“You’ve made quite a mess here, Spidey. This beach hasn’t seen water in ages.”

“He’s stranded us here, Devil. Don’t try to be optimistic.” Foggy spoke as he looked around the small group gathered around the shore.

“There’s always the door, Foggy.” Hawkeye cut in.

“The door that leads to **him**!”

They all groaned in unison, except for the blue woman.

“Hey! The Merc with the Mouth isn’t bad. He’s just…”

“Unstable.”

“Unwell.”

“Sick.”

“INSANE!”

“I was going to say ‘busy’, but yes. The rest of those are true.” Her ears twitched in annoyance and all four men ruffled their feathers to further push their point.

“You can’t trust the Merc with the Mouth. He’s mad.”

“He’s lost his head. Literally!”

“He’s loud.”

One way to piss Peter off was to talk badly about Wade. Sure, Wade is ever so slightly unhinged, but he’s not a terrible person. Everyone talked this way about him. It was always this bad when Peter was hurt. They blamed Wade.

He exhaled to release the anger. Just as he was about to speak, Matt cut in.

“I think we should all work these jitters out. How about a game. Spidey? You judge.”

Peter blinked owlishly at the masked man several times before clearing his throat.

“Um… Yeah… Sure… What kind of game?”

Another unison shriek, “CIRCLIES!”

 

Circlies involved everyone, besides Peter, running in circles around each other. It was aimless and ridiculous. There was nothing to judge and would never be a winner.

Like a sucker, Peter endured this strange form of torture for what felt like hours before finally calling it quits. They all stopped and watched him get up to leave.

They didn’t want him to leave. Not one bit  

“Spidey!”

“Spidey!”

“DON’T GO SPIDEY!”

**“SPIDEYSPIDEYSPIDEYSPIDEY!”**

“I will bring the Merc with the Mouth here if you don’t stop!” Peter quickly countered and immediately saw how effective it was as they scurried off to their respective perches. No one liked Wade. Even in… whatever the hell this is. He ran his fingers through his hair.

Hair…Hair…

Oh, god!

He just realized he didn’t have his mask on, and everyone had been calling him Spidey. He slapped his face with his hand and scrubs it.

“Idiot, Idiot. Parker, you idiot!”

“You are an idiot.”

Peter jumped with a yelp as his spider senses failed him yet again. This blue mouse woman was really annoying him. He couldn't place why.

He barked, “What do you want?”

“Well, Not Spidey, I want to prove to the Merc that you are in fact Not Spidey.” She cooed.

“Fine. Take me to him.”

She considered him before nodding. Her fingers entwined in his and she led him past the dreary beach and into the thick brush full of dagger like leaves. Noticing that she wasn’t flinching at all made Peter self-conscious about how much it _was_ hurting him, so he sucked it up and pressed forward.

Forward wasn’t over nearly quick enough. The brush carried on and on. So many small cuts littering his body and leaving him aware of it entirely, there’s no way this is a dream. Not with how real this pain and strange hand holding is.

The brush finally opened up into a clearing with a large abandoned home in its wake. His eyes darted to the woman. Her ears twitched again but was transfixed on the large door to the home.

She quickly tugged him along, pulling a large key out of her jacket pocket as they neared the door. Closer inspection of said door was much like viewing the golden ceiling back at the ritzy room. Hand carved designs in dark cocobolo wood with a worn knocker that was a terrifying boar head.

It opened slowly at her hands, revealing a pink hued forest with blue accents and a sweet floral scent billowing over him. Mouse woman grabbed him and shoved him over the threshold before he could get a word in. Seriously, his spider sense wasn’t doing anything for him lately.

 

Peter stumbled forward and quickly corrected himself to turn and glare at her, but she vanished along with the door.

“None of this makes any sense… I’m going mad…”

“Questioning your sanity is proof of your sanity.” The voice was soft, monotone and all too familiar.

“Dr. Banner?” Peter turned and saw the man lounging on a gigantic toadstool.

**_Yep. I’ve lost my mind._ **

“Are you really Spidey?” Smoke poured from his mouth and nose as he spoke. Peter’s interest was pulled towards the four rows of eyes his idol had up his forehead.  

The small argileh in his hand made him appear more relaxed. The hulk smoking from a hookah wasn't anything Peter thought he would live to see  

But this repeated question is grating Peter’s nerves. Of course he is Spidey, but why was he so determined to prove this to all of these people. They didn’t actually know he was Spider-Man. None of this made sense.

“Of course I am.”

“But… Are _you_?”

“Yes. I’m Spidey.”

More smoke billowed from his lips. “How do you know you are in fact Spidey?”

“Because I created him.” He clenched his fists and endured the prying gaze he was under.

Bruce seemed to really want to see him for who he claimed to be. His words didn’t match what he was saying though.

“Do you know why you’re here?”

Peter choked. He certainly wasn’t ready for that question. Mind racing to understand and ask himself the question.

“No.”

“Then you aren’t certain you are Spidey.” Bruce rested back further and looked up towards the pink sky. Like everyone else he’s encountered today, he disappeared before he could say anything further.

“This has to be hell or something. Heaven wouldn’t be _this_ annoying.”

“He thinks he’s in hell” A feminine giggle sounded off in the rows of flowers beyond the toadstool.

Peter ducked his head down to look under it. He saw two pairs of matching silver shoes before they both scurried off.

Running after them seemed like a good idea, even if it wasn’t he was doing it anyway.  Leaping over flora, knocking leaves out of his face, and speeding up just to catch the glinting silver figures rushing ahead of him.

They have to know something.


	2. TEA PARTY

The strange becomes stranger before it is the strangest. So very much strange and mad. Peter couldn't tell up from down, sky from grass, and flora from fauna. This chase was going nowhere and everywhere. Through mazes of snapping ferns, sobbing willows, and smiling flowers. 

Smiling flowers with feminine faces each as sweet as the next really wanted his attention.

 ** _“You can do it Spidey.”_** Whispered a burgundy petal accented yellow face.

 ** _“You’ll be okay.”_** Cooed a cerulean face.

 ** _“You’re doing so well.”_** Hushed a jagged magenta petal accented face.

 ** _“Sweet Spidey.”_** Soothed a baby pink face.

 ** _“Everything is going to be okay.”_** Mewed a violet petal accented lavender face.

Peter insisted on ignoring them, determined to catch up to the silver duo evading him. He was persistently gaining up on them only for them to speed up somehow. His legs were bound to give out soon, even if they didn’t feel tired.

They halted yards away from him and turned to face him. Arms locked, side by side, in a circle of high bushes with even more smiling flowers. Peter warily stilled in his tracks while he watched them. Does everything have to be so eerie here?

 

“I wouldn’t go in there” purred a soft voice from above him.

 

He looked up into the tree beside him. The swaying black and grey striped tail caught his eyes first. Sprawled on the lowest branch of the tree was Felicia. Her ears were large and white, just like her long flowing hair. Giant icy eyes were peering at him with a glint as mischievous as the smirk on her lips.

“Why not?”

“You may not come out.” The purr that followed her warning was loud and sensual. Peter shivered.

“I need to find Wade.”

“The Merc with the Mouth is waiting for you. There’s no need to _find_ him. He always finds you, Spidey.” She turned her body to look at him closer.

“I need to see him, Felicia.” Tears welled at the corners of his eyes.

“I know sweetie. I also know that you know why you need to be cautious.” Sliding down the tree as elegantly as always before moving beside him.  Her tail brushed against his chin as she encircled him.

“The Avengers…”, he whispered  

“Ahhh. So you do know why you’re here?”

“N-No. I don’t know why I’m here. Felicia, please. I don’t understand this at all.” His hand moved to touch her forearm but it went right through her. Like she wasn’t even in front of him.

“Oh, sweet Spidey. You really don’t know why you’re here. The poor Merc will be worried that you don’t know.” Her claws gently grazed up his chin.

“Why would Wade be worried?”

“Oh, Spidey Babe. Just remember…” Her lips grazed his cheek, then his ear before she whispered, “You can do this.”

Her leather clad body dissipated with a wink, leaving him to stand and stare at the duo. Peter let out a shaky breath and pressed forward. He had to see Wade, talk to Wade, anything. He needed to understand what was happening.

 

Peter cautiously stepped into the circle even with the Black Cat’s words ringing in his ears.  

A delicate humming echoed in the space while the sound of branches shaking came from behind him. He turned to look towards the sound. The circle was completed. No exit or entrance. The bushes had _moved_.

He turned back to the duo. “What is going on??”

“What is going on?” The woman giggled to the man.

“What is going on?” The man echoed to the woman.

They burst into giggles, grabbing at their stomach with their free hands. Peter’s cheeks flushed. It wasn't entirely clear if they were mocking him. He could only assume.

“What a silly boy he is, Silver” The woman cooed.

“A silly boy indeed, Scarlet.” Silver cooed back.

Scarlet brushed back her flowing deep red hair and rested her head against the silver haired head of Silver.

“Spidey, Spidey. You know… Everyone is in an uproar over you. The king is **NOT** happy.” Scarlet singsonged towards Peter like this was a friendly banter instead of a confusing series of words strung together.

Peter wasn’t amused.

“Itsy bitsy Spider, and his itsy bitsy problems. The Merc certainly wasn’t lying. Look at him, Scarlet. Look at him!” The grand arm sweep Silver made felt as demeaning as intended.

“It’s Spidey not Spider you buffoon. Dad wasn’t lying. Look at you!” She booped his nose and giggled at his scrunched response.

“Look at you!”

“Look at me? Look at the air!”

“The air is air. You are you. Look at you!”

“The air is not air! You are not you. Don’t look at you!”

Peter’s eyes widened as the red headed woman pushed her companion down and sat on his chest. Her fingers repeatedly jabbed into each of his dimples while he laughed. “Not you, not you, not you!”

Scarlet’s head snapped to Peter. “But _you_ … you are you and you are Spidey. Do you want to see your Merc?”

At the mention of Wade, Peter perked up and pulled his mind away from the quiet song of the flowers.  “Yes. I would. Please?”

“Please???” Silver pushed his companion off of his chest before looking down at her on the ground.

“Please sister! He said please!”

“Pleeeeeeeease!” She cried out from the ground, sending them both into another round of laughter.

It abruptly ended and they were both standing with their arms linked again. The bushes shifted behind them to reveal an elegant garden. Music and the smell of lemons drifted from the garden. Was that… Lady Gaga playing?

 

“He’s been waiting for you, Spidey.” They separate and stand on both sides of the bush, hands outstretched to motion for him to walk through.

 

Each stone step towards the chest high white picket fence dimly glowed as Peter’s foot touched them. The glow revealed a different nebula in each, so many little stars and colored gases. He leaned down to touch one of them, curiosity getting the best of him. The image swirled and twinkled when his fingers touched the rough rock containing the mini worlds.

Maybe he wouldn’t throttle Wade. This was absolutely beautiful. Wade always knew how to-

 

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

“MY MOTHER IS A LOVELY SOUL! DO NOT BLAME HER FOR THIS!”

“Apologies to your dear mother. YOU STUPID CUNT!”

“Thank you. That’s much better. EAT YOUR FUCKING CAKE YOU BASTARD!”

Loud crashes of plates hitting a hard surface followed the yelling. Sloshing and splashes followed the shattering. Peter ran his hand down his face. He takes back what he said. Wade was going to be throttled.

 

He stands up and makes his way to the fence, quietly opening it and stepping into the beautifully manicured grass within the white fence. A giant leafy plant blocked his view further than the small shack in front of him. The door was open and inside he could see a stove, fridge, and counter with a mountain of dirtied pots, pans, bowls, and utensils. It smelled of backed goodies and tea.

Moving past the shack and plant revealed a long table that ran through the length of the ‘yard’. The yard was lit by string lights and floating lanterns. It was…beautiful. Peter smiled despite the shouting coming from the table.

On top of the cluttered table stood Wade and Bob with their hands and arms flailing in their heated argument. Wade was in his full Deadpool gear sans mask. A tall top hat situated gravity defyingly askew,  suit jacket with long flowing coat tails, white gloves, and an obnoxious bow tie.  Bob was sporting rabbit ears the color of his suit that hung down to his hips.

 

“THIS ISN’T A BATTLE, IT’S A WAR, BEE OBI!”

“WAR IS MY MIDDLE NAME!”

“BEE WAR OBI?! STRANGE NAME FOR A STRANGE FELLA.”

“DID THE KING KEEP YOUR BRAIN??”

“WHAT WOULD HE DO WITH IT? EAT IT?’

“WELLL….”

“AH. TRUE. I mean think about it, who wouldn’t want to eat me?”

“Definitely not me. You probably taste as bad as you look.”

“You.. TAKE…THAT…BACK!”

“NO!!”

“TO THE DEATH!”

“AND BEYOND!”

 

The blue mouse woman was sitting at the table sipping from a tea cup, so were Silver and Scarlet, and Felecia. The blue mouse woman looked up at Peter standing slack jawed in the yard. A smirk pulled at her lips and she threw her tea cup at Wade’s head where it shattered into hundreds of pieces.

“DOMIE NO! WHAT THE FUCK!”

She pointed towards Peter. Wade’s eyes followed her finger and landed on Peter. The look in his eyes sped up Peter’s heart while he muttered, “Oh, god”

 

**“SPIDEY!!!”**

 

Wade shoved Bob to the ground and ran across the table, knocking nearly every plate, cup, pot, tray, fork, knife, and spoon onto the ground. He jumped down and quickly picked up Peter into an intense hug that Peter’s entire body felt.

“I was so worried, Spidey! So worried! Tell me you’re okay! Tell me you’re fine! Tell me you know why you’re here!” His voice was warm, worried, and excited. Warm hands rested on Peter’s face after he was released from the incapacitating hug.

“Wade… I’m so confused. This.. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Oh, Baby Boy. I know. It’s okay though. Everything is okay. God, you’re so cold. Have you always been this cold? I’ll get you a blanket. Or my suit. You want my suit? I can cuddle you! I can do whatever you want. Tell me what you want, Sweet Cheeks.”

Peter’s hands quickly touched Wade’s chest to calm the rapidly firing mouth on the Merc with the Mouth.

“Wade, Wade, Wade. Calm down. It’s okay. Just… Just tell me what’s going on?” Peter swallowed thickly as he looked up into the marred face looking down at him.

“Spidey…” Worry flooded the bright blue eyes. And it hurt. That look hurt. Peter quickly rested his head on Wade’s chest.

“Wade… Please.”

“Come on, Spidey. Let’s have some tea and cake. And we can gossip.”

Wade entwined his soft gloved fingers with Peter’s bare ones and led him towards the far end of the long table.

 

“Everyone.. Be nice. My precious Baby Boy is here and needs some fabulous chit chat to feel better.”

Bob looked up at Peter from where he was now sitting. His small body shook as he took a sip of tea. “Chit chat… CHIT CHAT?!

“Bee Obi!” Wade growled towards his friend. “Yes, chit chat. Black Cat.. Please… Drink with dignity.”

Felecia looked up at him. Her teacup was balancing on the claw of her index finger and was pressed against her lips. “Dignity? Define it for me, Merc. I do not think you understand the word.”

“Gasp! How dare you!” Wade touched his chest before pulling out a chair for Peter.

“Saying gasp defeats the purpose.” Domie No pointed out.

“Can it, Domie! No one likes a smart mouth. Unless it’s on moi.” A wide smile spread across Wade’s face. Peter shook his head while smiling. Taking his seat and looking at the set up in front of him.

“Yes. They love the mouth on you. Tell me, when was the last time the king removed your head?” Felecia asked as her cup brushed her lips again.

“Hmmmmmm. Just today I think.” Wade tapped his temple with his knuckle and sat down next to Peter. His gloved hand immediately resting over Peter’s on the table. Their eyes met and Wade’s warm smile soothed him instantly. Maybe he **WOULDN’T** throttle him after all.

“My cake is wet. Sopping. Soaked. Mushy.” Bob whined and threw it across the table at Scarlet who dodged it and picked up her plate to throw.

‘MANNERS!!!” Wade roared in his commanding voice. Peter’s skin prickled and he eyed Wade’s exposed features.

“Sorry about all of _them_ , Spidey. They think that just because I’m finally here with you that they can do whatever they want. Everything is okay though. Promise.”

Something was wrong. Wade was using his false hope voice. The one he uses when Peter is hurt and he’s scared to death of well… Death. Scared she will come and take Peter away from him forever. Peter’s brow furrowed.

“Wade… You’re acting weird.”

“No, no. I’m sorry, Baby Boy. I’m just glad I’m here with you.”

“You mean that I’m here with you finally?”

Those concerned features faltered. “Yeah… Here with me.”

“CAKE!” Scarlet shouted.

Wade perked up, “YES CAKE! EVERYONE GRAB YOU CAKE!”

Everyone’s fingers dug under their cake on their plate and lifted it off the surface into their bare hands.

“What do you eat thy caketh fooooooor?!”

“TRUTH!”

“PLEASURE!”

“HONOR!”

“MONEY!”

“SPIDEY!”

Peter looked at Wade when he stated his reason for **_eating cake_**. God, this man is weird. But it’s one of the reasons he enjoys Deadpool AND Wade’s company. It’s never boring. Even if all of this made zero sense, Wade knew how to make it meaningful.

“What do you eat cake for, Baby Boy?” Wade’s eyes moved to stare into big hazel eyes as everyone started smooshing their cake into their face like savage beasts.

Peter looked down at the cake that appeared in front of him on his place setting. “Us.”

The largest smile he’s ever seen grace Wade’s lips, spread across his face. Wade leaned over and kisses Peter’s cheek. “That’s a better answer than mine. Eat your cake, Spidey.”

He didn’t need to be told twice, picking up his fork and digging in. It was a vague taste, definitely not cake. Wet. His cake tasted wet. As he was about to question it, the music grew exceedingly loud and Wade was pulling him up onto the table.

“NO SWITCHIES! SPIDEY IS MINE!” He growled as Felecia and Scarlet had barely stepped in their direction. The girls caved and joined in an awkward three person dance with Domie No. While Bob begrudgingly danced with Silver, who was whipping him around quicker than anyone could keep up with.

“I still think he’s Not Spidey, Merc.” Domie No chirped.

“No… He’s Spidey. I promise.” Wade turned to glare at her while his arms wrapped around Peter.

“Do you still want me around, Spidey?” Wade finally asked after a long silence.

Peter looked up into the worried eyes. “Of course… Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’ll ask you again later, Baby Boy.”

“Wade… Why are you acting so-“

 

“GUARDS! GET THAT CRIMINAL AWAY FROM OUR SPIDEY!” Growled a loud and angry fatherly voice.

Everyone on the table shrieked and jumped down to try and run off. Peter looked over at the familiar voice.

“THE KING HAS COME! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! ESPECIALLY YOU WADE!” Bob shrilly shrieked and threw a plate at the king who quickly dodged it and pointed to the shivering man cowering behind the table.

“NO! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE YOU BASTARD!” Bob got up but was quickly knocked back down. “Or..you will. That works too.”

“I’M ALLOWED TO BE HERE! ASK SPIDEY!” Wade clutched at Peter tightly.

“No! No you’re not. Get out or I _will_ throw you out!” Tony glared daggers at Wade who returned the favor.

Peter looked between them in anger and confusion. This was typical behavior between them. But this seemed more intense. He couldn’t take it anymore. This was all too confusing!

 

“What is going on?!”


	3. OFF WITH HIS HEAD

All eyes were on Peter. This was certainly not what he expected when he decided to shout in the middle of this tea party war. He looked from Tony to Wade then to Natasha standing beside Tony before deciding that maybe something else needed to be said.

He opened his mouth to speak.

“I’M ALLOWED TO BE HERE!”

Peter’s head jerked to a very distressed Wade who was no longer clinging to him. There were two men in metallic suits clutching each of his arms trying, **trying** , to restrain the thrashing bulk of mercenary.

“GET HIM OUT OF HERE! I WILL HAVE HIS HEAD FOR THIS!” Tony pointed towards the man struggling.

“YOU WANT IT?!” With that, Wade broke free and ran until he was able to jump back on the table. Dishes clattered to the ground when he picked where he wanted to stand. Peter should have known by his stance, by the way his voice was shaky and high, by the way everyone’s eyes drifted to the man on the table wielding a knife that this was not going to be something he wanted to see.

It was quick, thankfully. But the sound of a knife tearing through flesh and muscles and bone wasn’t something anyone present would be forgetting anytime soon.

And there in Deadpool’s hands rested his head with the gravity defying top hat resting on it. Shockingly, his mind and body still worked, despite being separated.

“You still want it, Stark?” The shakiness of his voice was replaced by an edge that Peter immediately recognized. A shiver ran through him and he wrapped his arms around himself to stop it. He had to tell Wade to stop but his mouth wouldn’t open, his vocal cords wouldn’t work.

“You took all of the fun out of it.” The King of Iron snarled and rushed forward to grab at the Merc with the Mouth himself.

All Peter could do was watch as his idol slammed his best friend down, splintering the table and shattering more dishes. He tried to look away when Wade kicked Tony in the face to get the crazed scientist off of him. He tried to cover his eyes when Wade pressed his head back on his shoulders with a loud squishing sound and held it there while rushing up to his feet.

 

Maybe he did cover his eyes? Everything was dark. His hands moved up to his face and found tight latex gloved fingers over his eyes.

“That Merc is one stubborn fellow.” The Black Cat cooed in Peter’s ear.

“He just wants to protect me…”

“Everyone does, Spidey. Do you know why?”

“No…”

“Because you are something worth protecting.” She removed her hands.

“Wh-where are we?” Peter turned to look at his white haired friend.

She smiled slyly and took his hand to lead him down the long grassy path into yet another garden. She didn’t speak again, but he supposed that was for the best. He knew better than to question any of the happenings here.

This garden was just as beautiful as the one where the tea party was held. Dimly lit and bursting with vibrant smells of flowers. This garden’s shack was more inviting, and it’s exactly where Felicia led him. Right through the open door and to the made up bed.

Peter has never felt so tired.

“Dear Spidey. Do you know why you’re here?” Bruce asked from the chair beside the bed,

Before he could answer, a new voice soothed him. This one was the most comforting voice he’s heard in so long.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Just rest.” His beautiful Aunt May

 

 

 

> **“Spidey? I’m so sorry…”** _Wade. Guilt._
> 
> **“Hey there Spidey.”** _Felicia_ _. Comfort_.
> 
> **“You’re very brave.”** _Natasha. Pride._
> 
> **“Just hang in there kid.”** _Tony. Hope._
> 
> **“Mrs. Parker, we have rooms you can stay in-“** _Bruce. Concern._
> 
> **“No, no thank you. He needs-“** _May. Sweet._
> 
> **“-tried. I really tried, May… please. I-“** _Wade. Sorrow._
> 
> **“-don’t blame you, Wade. Just stay.”** _May. Soothing._
> 
> **“What if…”** _Wade. Hopeless._

 

Specks of light fluttered like fireflies around his head, flying up into the billowing indigo leafed trees, kissing blades of long viridian grass, and landing in her long flowing blond hair. Her pale hand extended to him while her soft voice wrapped around his mind. “Come on, Peter.”

“Where?” His hand still slotted into hers in the all too familiar way. He missed that, how perfect their bodies fit together, her warmth, her smile.

She smiled, it was warm unlike her skin. “Home.”

“Where am I now?”

“You’re beautiful mind has created this beautiful world… You know where you are.” Her cold fingers traced down his cheek.

Peter swallowed thickly as he looked around the vibrant and lively clearing he was in. The grass felt so soft, the air was chilled but he was warm, and the smell of so many varying flowers kept him company this whole time. He knew. He knew this wasn’t real.  “Am I going to die, Gwen?”

Bright green eyes scanned his face. “Not if you choose wisely. You promised to live.” Another smile spreads across her pouty lips as he nods.

And they walk. Walk for what seems like hours, days even. The beautiful forest changes colors like a large chameleon, but Peter doesn’t mind. The change is appreciated. The bouts of rain was not appreciated.

Every time the warm drops of water pelted his body, he would look to Gwen and notice that she was entirely dry. It must be true, then. He wasn’t in some fantasy dimension, or alternate universe adventure. This was real, but only in his mind. His body must be in pretty bad shape if he’s created such an elaborate ‘mind palace’.

Gwen’s hand never left his, until they stepped into an all stone ruin with strange writing and a barren wasteland beyond the ruins. He turned to look at her, in her hands she held out three objects: a sword, a vial, and a monocle.

“Peter. Choose wisely.”

“For wh-“

His question answered itself as a large and shrill roar flooded every sense he had, including the trusted Spidey Sense™. His powers… his powers were back!  A rumble and quake ran through the ground. A large black hoof dripped and oozed as it hit the stone pathway causing more rumbles and more quakes.

All the black liquid of this creature was contained within itself, rebuilding and repairing at a rapid rate, retaining the shape of a large horned creature with wings. **Venom**.

The right choice…

What was the right choice?

Venom can’t be killed, can’t be contained.

Peter didn’t want to die, didn’t want to stay in this world.

He looked into Gwen’s eyes with all the guilt in any world. He was the reason she was dead. But here she was, helping him. “I love you.”

She smiled again, “You know I love you.”

Peter grabbed the monocle and ran towards the dripping black creature, dodging the large drips. Why a monocle? What could this possibly do to stop the likes of a symbiote? He had to do something, something to wake up.

**“Spidey…  Peter…Hey… Hey! No, no!”**

Peter looked up into the hellish red sky, he could hear Wade. By the sounds of it, something had to be terribly wrong. He had to act now.

**“WADE! OUT!”**

A light, maybe a light would work to destroy the black mass that is Venom.

**“I’M HELPING YOU, TONY!”**

The sky began to glow and brighten as he ran across the crumbling stone of the ruins. The massive creature was lurking around, trying to find the perfect opportunity to attack.

**“Bruce and I have this!”**

If he could scream, he would, but the searing pain of his lungs constricting while he ran to find some source of light was almost too much. There was no light, what the hell was he supposed to do? He had to believe he would escape. Had to believe this was just a dream he could wake himself from. He put the monocle to his right eye.

**“I’m not leaving!”**

A beam of light shot down from the sky. He smiled as he ran towards it, because he knew where the light came from. Wade. He ripped the monocle from his eye, placed it in the light and pointed it towards Venom. It was simple, but the effect was massive.

The black and red of the world erupted into white, the stone ruins, the sky, the wastelands were all consumed by the white blinding light.

Every muscle ached, while his blood coursed through him hard. It was warm, there was a strong scent of flowers, and the world remained white.

White.

White.

White.

 

Peter opened his eyes and gasped loudly or at least tried to with all of the tubes covering his face. Hands were on him immediately. “Peter! Fuck, Petey! It’s okay!”

The smell of leather and gun powder returned him to the reality of here and now. Peter blinked several times trying to look around the white on white on white room. The ceiling was tall, the floor was tiled and pristine, the walls were stark white. Stark. He couldn’t breathe.

Bruce was beside him suddenly with a needle in hand and the white on white became black on black before returning to white on white. Did he just fall back asleep? Whatever happened, the tubes were gone. So he didn't care.

“It’s alright, Peter. It’s alright. Do you know why you’re here?” The doctor questioned softly.

Hazel eyes blinked quickly trying to absorb the question. Why? He needed to find out exactly where he was first. Scarred hands were on his, trying to soothe and reassure him. Peter tilted his head to the man holding his hand. There were so many bouquets of flowers in here. Each one stronger than the last. It was very overwhelming to his Spidey Sense™.

Tears threatened to burn his cheeks when he finally saw _Wade._ Not Deadpool, not some weird man trying to force him to attend a tea party, just Wade. Wade, his friend, his best friend, his boyfriend.

“W..Wade.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t rush yourself.”

Everything hurt. Some spots more than others. He had to look at the injuries, but when he tried to move the pain rushed through his entire body until it hit him. **IT** hit him. The WHY.

 

 

 

> “SPIDEY!”
> 
> Peter turned his head to look at Deadpool running towards him in a blur as the eight metallic arms raced towards his body. He didn’t choke. He just knew that jumping would make one of them pierce an organ he needed to survive. He wasn’t counting on anyone saving him. He should have though. He should have counted on Wade.
> 
> Katanas glinted as the mercenary pulled them from their sheath. Peter’s hand flew up.
> 
> “WADE DON’T-“
> 
> The claw ends of the arms pierced into his suit and flesh, not all of arms though. He counted five. Where were the other three? He tried to focus, tried to find them. Things were wiggling in Wade’s hands as the man tried to catch him.
> 
> “-pidey!”
> 
> “Peter-“
> 
> “Fuck no fu-“
> 
> “NO!”
> 
> Hands were on him but the feeling was vague, a memory even. Wind whipped past his ears as his body was moved. A stretcher maybe? The backdoors to a large vehicle closed and the drive through tunnel of the road was dark and dirty. No ceiling and no floor.

 

Peter looked up to Bruce. “I was fighting…doc.. and…”

Bruce nodded and patted Peter’s fluffy hair. “Good. I’ll leave you two alone.”

The moment the door closed Wade scooted his chair closer to Peter’s bed. “Baby boy… I’m so sorry I couldn’t-“

Peter shakes his head and grips at the hand over his. “Don’t…. just tell me… what I missed.”

“Ahhhhhh. Well that’s a story. You kept trying to die. Everyone fussed over you being Spidey. Oh! And Tony kept threatening to cut off my head right? And I finally decided to show him up. I jumped up on that table-“ He points to the broken table in the corner. “And cut it off myself. I know.. I shouldn’t have. Your body responded to it though. It responded to a lot.”

Peter’s eye brow rose and the man laughed. “No, for once I’m not being a dirty pervert. I was… Really worried, Baby Boy. May was worried too of course. She’s asleep right now.”

The hero nodded and closed his eyes. Wade tilted his head slightly. “Did you hear everything that happened out here? Did you dream while in a coma? Did we have sex in your coma dreams? These are important question here.”

Peter's lips curled into a smile. The happenings of his 'coma dreams' will definitely be something Wade wants to hear. He grips his boyfriend's hand tighter, “I’ll have to tell you… about it sometime, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this, guys! It was a crazy little idea that actually turned out. XD  
> You all rock! Much loves!


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